How I Overcame My Hatred Toward a Woman

I want some friends to help me with the music to this song I wrote. It's pretty self-explanatory for people who know me.

9-15-66

When this day rolls around, do I ever cross your mind?

Do you ever think about me? Or do you leave the past behind?

And I can understand if you do-

'Cause there are days when I sometimes think of you.

And on this day-

Do you wonder what color are my eyes?

Do you worry if I've struggled and if so if I've survived?

And on this day-

Do your thoughts return to a man you once knew?

Do you wonder if I look like him or if I look like you...

On this day.

When this time of year passes, do you try to add my age?

Do you wonder what I think of you? If I'm married or engaged?

And I can understand if you do

'Cause there are days when I sometimes think of you.

And on this day-

Do you question the choice that you made?

Do you think that I resent you? Or hope that I forgave?

And on this day-

Do you ever wonder where I'm at?

Do you wonder if I'm happy with the live that I have...

On this day.

I want to thank you for the sacrifice you made

And I pray God blesses you...

On this day.

Written By: Me (9/15/04)

Honest Questions

1. Why do I fight with God and others?
2. Why do I rebel against the truth?
3. Why do I live on the edge, daring myself to fall over to the bad side?
4. Why do I need the "jazz"?
5. Why do I get my hair cut spikey and the tips highlighted orange?
6. Why do I continue to screw up and fail?
7. Why do I try to make everything funny?
8. Why do I make it a point to live irresponsibly?
9. Why do I argue over things I know aren't right?
10. Why do I act like a 14 year old?

I look at my friends and the women in my church. I feel so different from them sometimes. My mentor and the "lady that I talk to and gives me good advice" both say to just obey, just do it. I wish it was as easy as that. It's like there is this wall standing between me and the right way. Sometimes I'm on top with one leg hiked over but then I don't go. What is the wall and what pulls me back? I think when I can answer this question and apply it to my life, all of my addictions will curb at the same time.

Mothers Day

I used to ask my mom when Children's Day was. Her standard reply was, "Everyday is childrens day". I think I've used that on my daughter a couple of times. I love that girl so much! She's smart, beautiful, funny and has a good heart. She's already asked Jesus to come into her heart and forgive her of her sins and no matter how many times I tried to question her about it, she stood firm on her decision. I guess I don't want her growing up with doubts like I had. But, she has that childlike faith. Now, she has decided to get baptized. That is soooo cool! I'm proud of her. I remember the first time I ever saw her I thought 2 things: She doesn't look like an alien and she's actually pretty. Then I cried. I never understood before people who cried because they feel strong emotion. I only cried when I was sad. But, I cried that night because of a good feeling in me.
I think I'd only held one baby before my daughter came along. I was so scared of little babies because I was afraid I would break them. But my girl felt so natural right from the start. The diaper thing was a different story. I bought masks because I hated the smell of dirty diapers. I'm sure I shocked that little baby when she saw this masked lady hovering over her. But soon I got used to that also and the mask came off.
I've made a lot of mistakes already in her short life. Some of them I can't even think about yet because they hurt me really deep. The pictures in my mind haunt me. I know I'll have to deal with them one day. But, I was able to help her find Jesus and that's the most awesome thing ever.
I think Mothers Day is like an extra slice of New York street pizza. I mean I get blessed every day being a mom. So having a day to celebrate it is like bonus.

Breech and Tong Up in Smoke

Many people talk about their "best friends" (plural) and I don't get that. I have a best friend (singular). I have other friends and acquaintances, but only one best friend. My best friend has been there for me when great things have happened in my life. She has always cheered for me and been truly happy during these times- graduations, new jobs, birth of my daughter, spiritual decisions, and the daily things in life that some people wouldn't think are any big deal. She knows me and understands what are big deals to me. My best friend has also been there when I've been at my lowest. She's always offered a hand and shoulder but what I really appreciate about her is her honesty. There have been times that she didn't like where I was in my life and she told me. There are not many people in this world that you can count on to be real with you. My best friend is real with me. She'll even go places with me where she doesn't belong and tell everyone there she is something she's not just because I needed someone beside me at that time (she's the only one who will get that:)
My best friend is the funnest person I know. The craziest times I've ever had in my life involve her. She's one of those people who can make you laugh so deep that your stomach hurts and your crying and can't stop. I love those times so much. I could write forever about her and what her friendship means to me. The coolest part though is that when I think of her, I think of how good God is. There are a lot of people who will never experience a deep friendship like ours. I'm one of the blessed ones.

Arrested Development

I've been told that I have the emotional maturity of a 13 year old hence the title of my blog- Thoughts of a Grown Up Teenager. Sometimes I'm torn between acting mature and being me. I know I have preconceived thoughts about grown ups and how they are to act. Some of these ideas are based on my own history. I don't want to spend all of my life cleaning, working on the yard, cooking, doing laundry, washing the cars, and doing all the stuff I've seen the adults in my life do all the time. I want to have fun and enjoy life. That's my personality. That's the way God made me. I think that is why instead of finding a balance between mature responsibility and all out fun, I gave up on being responsible. There is a part of me that will never grow up. I really do believe that God made me like that and I don't ever want that part of me to go away. But lately I see that I am also to take responsibility for finances, my house, my family, and for me. I think there is a happy medium there that I need to find. Maybe it's O.K. to be a grown up teenager as long as I'm in a process of growth and as long as I understand that responsibility will not take the "fun me" away. Uh-oh, that sounds kind of mature. Maybe I'm growing some after all:)