Denial

Sometimes I feel sorry for the lady I see on Monday afternoons at 3:00. We've been at it for a while now and with every issue we've had to deal with, it's like it takes months to break through the denial and get to the facts. I have a tendency to twist and change things so that they don't sound as bad as they really are. But, she's cool about it. She's been so patient with me over the years. It's really awesome though when the breakthrough comes. It's like God is probably shaking His head saying, "It's about time, girl!". The lady from Mondays at 3:00 says, " That's great! I'm proud of you!! God is not just cool, He's a miracle worker!" And I'm saying, "Duh, why did it take me so long to get here?". At least that is the drama going on in my head.
I read in Psalm 51:6- "Surely you desire truth in the inner parts...". That's the counterpart to denial- truth in the innermost parts, being able to be honest with yourself. God used this verse to help me counteract denying what was true. It's really the first step to break free. And God knows, that I need to break free from some captivity.


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This is all Brennan Manning. God is using his book, The Rabbi's Heartbeat to change my life. Do I have the faith it takes to accept that Jesus accepts me as I am. He knows about the addictions and other behaviors that are so unholy. Can I believe that He loves me anyway? He knows how inconsistant and sometimes rebellious my walk with Him is. Can I believe that He loves me even in those times? That is what faith is all about. Brennan is right when he says that God already knows that we will never be perfect on this earth. Jesus does know my whole life story. But He also knows what I will do with it. Will I wallow in self pity and shame or use my story and brokeness to help others?