Changes

It has been a long time since I've written in my blog. I think that's because when you write, you process, and when you process, you have to actually think about stuff. There have been a lot of changes in my life since I've written last. The most noticeable is my marriage status- I am now separated. I did what I always questioned that I'd have the strength to do and I know in my heart it is right. I am a strong girl (can't say woman yet:) ) and God has given me strength in my weakness. I am still struggling in areas but I feel as though I am turning a corner and am so close to being on the right path again. I am working on being able to accept His forgiveness and His mercy towards me. I still struggle with that a lot. I feel so guilty and so ashamed of my past. But faith is accepting acceptance, right?

Sermons about Sin

I heard a sermon online yesterday from my Pastor. It was about grace and God's views on sin. I'm all about technicalities when it comes to my sins. Like if I do something I always seem to put a spin on it so it doesn't sound so bad. But my pastor said that to God it's not about the exact sin. It's about your heart and what is going on inside of you.
It's like I finally got it and it came together for me. Thats what the lady I talk to once a week has been trying to say. It doesn't matter how far I go, because the sin has already taken place in my heart. It's like Jesus said in Matthew about how looking at a woman is committing adultery. I get that. It doesn't make me feel good about myself, but I finally get it.

Pulling Petals Off of Flowers

I love him/I love him not. Which is it? I don't know.
I stay with him/I stay with him not. God what do I do?
I'm hurt by him/I'm hurt not. That one's easy.
I 'm weak/I'm weak not. Depends on which way you look at that one.
I'm scared/I'm scared not. II Timothy 1:7



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Painkillers

Addictions are really painkillers- at least temporary ones. When you start out it feels so good not to have to think of real life for a brief moment. Its such a good escape for a while. Its like a mini-vacation.
But man, when you have to face the real deal and come back to real life, they make for a hard landing. Cause now you don't just have to hurt about the life stuff, you also have to feel the shame and guilt of the addiction itself. And guess what that makes you want to do? Yep, get something to kill that pain too. The term vicious cycle really applies.



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Honest Questions II

There's a song I first heard in the program I did last year called Honest Questions. This guy had some straight questions for God. I do too. And He knows it's not at all meant to be disrespectful. These are things I really want to ask:

Whats up with my life?
Are You still up there?
Do You know I'm here?
Will it always be this tough?
Will it always be this bad?
Will I always feel this sad?
Am I just whining?
Or is this real pain?
Do You still love me?
Will my heart stay broken forever?
Will I ever trust again?
Can I break down these walls?
Where are You?
Will anyone care if I go?
Why did I make those choices?
Why am I so stupid?


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Denial

Sometimes I feel sorry for the lady I see on Monday afternoons at 3:00. We've been at it for a while now and with every issue we've had to deal with, it's like it takes months to break through the denial and get to the facts. I have a tendency to twist and change things so that they don't sound as bad as they really are. But, she's cool about it. She's been so patient with me over the years. It's really awesome though when the breakthrough comes. It's like God is probably shaking His head saying, "It's about time, girl!". The lady from Mondays at 3:00 says, " That's great! I'm proud of you!! God is not just cool, He's a miracle worker!" And I'm saying, "Duh, why did it take me so long to get here?". At least that is the drama going on in my head.
I read in Psalm 51:6- "Surely you desire truth in the inner parts...". That's the counterpart to denial- truth in the innermost parts, being able to be honest with yourself. God used this verse to help me counteract denying what was true. It's really the first step to break free. And God knows, that I need to break free from some captivity.


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My New Desktop Image

This is all Brennan Manning. God is using his book, The Rabbi's Heartbeat to change my life. Do I have the faith it takes to accept that Jesus accepts me as I am. He knows about the addictions and other behaviors that are so unholy. Can I believe that He loves me anyway? He knows how inconsistant and sometimes rebellious my walk with Him is. Can I believe that He loves me even in those times? That is what faith is all about. Brennan is right when he says that God already knows that we will never be perfect on this earth. Jesus does know my whole life story. But He also knows what I will do with it. Will I wallow in self pity and shame or use my story and brokeness to help others?